“Hawks fly together! Hawks fly together! Hawks fly together!” We’ve all heard this inane chant at Alta sporting events, and I’ve always had an issue with it. Just listen to yourselves students! You are declaring falsehood upon falsehood. Fact: Hawks do not fly together. Hawks are very solitary animals, and when they mate, it’s just with one other bird. You’ll never see a bunch of hawks, flying around together, concerned about their other hawk buddies. When they migrate, they may fly near one another, but they aren’t flying together. They are worried about getting themselves to safety, no one else. So, Alta Hawks, let’s just put a little thought into it, and come up with a more accurate cheer. Something like, “Hawks are monogamous! Hawks are monogamous!” or “Hawks eat mice, voles, chipmunks, ground squirrels, tree squirrels, and woodchucks!” We’ll work on it…

    
Jaren Jolley
Alta Arts Editor
rykynandfelixinc@hotmail.com

Girls: In lieu of Valentine’s Day, I decided it would appropriate to tell all the loners what to do with themselves on days like Valentine’s Day or any love-soaked evening where you sit wishing Gosling would kick in your door. 

1.       Stop listening to Adele.  It doesn’t apply to you.  You couldn’t “have had it all”, and, let’s be honest, you have no one to “wish nothing but the best” to.  So throw her out for the night, and alternatively grab some Danzig or Led Zeppelin, you’ll feel empowered and driven.

2.       That takes me to my next step.  Get out of your house!  Take your car, bike, or feet and just go somewhere.  Preferably a place that you are unfamiliar with, like a hike or a beautiful view of the valley.  And I know some of you weirdos are worried, but don’t be; nature won’t deny you, and it’s the most beautiful thing there is. 

3.       Immediately take your copy of The Notebook and crush it under your freshly worn hiking boots (see step 2), and other copies of Nicholas Spark’s books turned to movies, as well as any movie that makes you pause, tilt your head, and lip quiver or whimper.  I’ll give you a hint: there is essentially no truth to those movies or books, so give up and alternatively watch a Christopher Nolan or James Bond film, which are both based on true stories and give you a sense of how cool reality is.

4.       Go to some public outing and talk to boys.  As outlandish as it sounds, it’ll probably work in your favor.  Just stop letting single tendencies that reoccur so often, get in the way of you being a sociable, likable, and beautiful lady. 

5.       (Optional): Move to Scandinavia.  Everyone is beautiful there.

    Guys: Not much I can do for you except………start acting like a guy.  Not the faded losers and muscle tyrants that people see as guys, but the kind of guy that could be respected in any decade, if you catch my drift.  If that’s not working for you, there is only one other thing you can do…..reverse engineer the advice I gave to the ladies.  Logically, it should work.  Go listen to Adele, stay in your house, watch any/all of Nick Spark’s movies, and don’t be social. 

Monday: February 20
Partly Cloudy
43°F
Tuesday: February 21
Rain/Snow
41°F
Wednesday: February 22
AM Showers
50°F
Thursday: February 23
AM Snow Showers
37°F
Friday: February 24
Partly Cloudy
41°F
Saturday: February 25
Partly Cloudy
42°F
Sunday: February 26
Mostly Cloudy
34°F

Monday-How I Met Your Mother: CBS, 7:00 PM Tuesday-Glee: Fox, 7:00 PM
Wednesday-Up All Night: NBC, 7:00 PM
Thursday-The Office: NBC, 8:00 PM
Friday-What Not to Wear: TLC, 10:00 PM
Saturday-Saturday Night Live: The CW, 10:30
Sunday-The Walking Dead: AMC, 7:00 PM