By Nick Lives

I think the thing I love most about being a nerd is being oblivious to nearly all of the popular music stars of the modern age. That isn't to say that I simply enjoy being oblivious for the sake of not knowing things, but I like it because it keeps my stance on music relatively unaltered by popular media and unaffected by the hype for any albums that may be coming out. Essentially, I am impervious to any prior advertising or gossip about these kinds of things. This makes me happy.

All that being said, let's see what the music industry has in store for us today!

Scotty McCreery:  "The Trouble With Girls"

Judging by the title of this song, I can tell you I am already offended. It seems Scotty decided that writing a song about all the problems he associates with the opposite sex would be a good idea. That's not too gentleman-like, now is it?

 If any of you ladies agree, and would like to complain about someone accusing girls of being trouble, feel free to send them to Scotty himself.

All that first-impression rubbish aside, let's get this show on the road already!

Oh, and since this is a video review, we're gonna try something a little different today. You folks watch the video with me and I'll put my commentary and impressions along with the TIME in which they appear so you can keep track of what I'm going on about. When you see a TIME listed, go ahead and pause the video to read my thoughts about it.

Now let's do this.

0:02 - So we're two seconds into the video, and already we are setting the mood. Here we see two manly silhouettes with big ears walking down a dimly lit hallway. Very nice lighting, but one has to wonder what kind of school lights their hallways so dramatically. I wish our school was lit like this, that way you could look like an action hero any time you came through the doors.

0:15 - Wait, what happened to the other guy who was walking with Scotty? Oh, I get it, this is the symbolic "In Scotty's mind" part of the music video. I'm guessing he's gonna sing now, right?

0:20 - This facial expression is priceless. That is all. Moving on, now.


0:46 - It looks like Scotty thinks himself to be a bit of a ladies man here, judging by that smirk on his face. Unfortunately for him, he's getting shooed away by this particular group of ladies. Maybe you shouldn't come off so sexist, eh Scotty?

0:58 - Here we have Scotty obviously wasting this girl's valuable class time. Sure, she appears to be amused by his antics, but inside we all know she's thinking: "You are aware that we keep very toxic chemical in that funnel, yes?"

1:10 - After this incident, Scotty realized he just wasn't cut out to be a chemist. Not pictured here: The girl getting horribly burned due to Scotty's "mishap."

1:46 - This shot, coupled with the lyrics behind it, seem to indicate that Scotty had something to do with the note that girl just received. If this be the case, one has to wonder why the note had to be passed all the way across the room if his intention was simply to pass it to the girl sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.

2:04 - After passing a presumably flirty note to the blonde girl in his clas, here Scotty shows what a classy guy he is by immediately turning around to flirt with yet another girl sitting next to him. Smooth move, Scotty boy.

2:38 - Here we establish Scotty plays baseball. This may seem trivial, but just wait and watch.

2:42 - Here an entire row of pretty girls cheers for... someone. It can't possibly be Scotty they're cheering for, because last we saw him he failed to catch or even recognize an obvious baseball zooming past him. Perhaps they're cheering for that handsome black boy we saw earlier? It was apparent that he meant business when it comes to baseball, so at least that would be a reasonable reason to cheer.

2:52 - Finally we see Scotty actually doing something other than standing around with a goofy look on his face during his baseball game. To put things into perspective, he's finally doing something productive when THE SUN BEGINS TO SET. Man, what an athlete we have here.

3:02 - Now I'm no sports expert, but since when is baseball played using obvious SOCCER nets? Is Scotty playing soccer now or did they just think this shot looked cool and disregarded the context of it?

3:33 - The video seems to end how it began, with a big-eared silouette walking down a dimly lit school hallway. But what ever happened to the other guy? Was he Scotty's twin brother whom he switches places with every other shot or was he some friend of Scotty's that he deemed unimportant due to him having a Y chromosome? Whatever the case, we're missing someone here.

FINAL IMPRESSION: This felt like yet another country music video about a guy who likes girls and about girls with gigantic smiles. What more can I expect? I suppose it accomplishes what it sets out to do: offending its core female audience.

For that, it gets 5 baseballs at a soccer field out of 5.

By Nick Lives

People don’t pay much attention to lyrics in songs, do they? Most of the time the reason someone likes a song has more to do with the melody or beat than the message the song seems to be sending. After all, I’m sure most teens don’t play poker or are even aware of what a “poker face” is, but that doesn’t stop them from singing along with Lady Gaga, a woman who I’m also certain does not play any poker.

That’s why people like me exist.

LFMAO’s Party Rock Anthem is by far one of the most overplayed songs at dance parties. Whether this has to do with the fact that it has the word “party” in its title is anyone’s guess. Regardless, a song as popular as “Party Rock” is bound to have an effect on its audience.

 Whether you love the lyrics, hate them, or simply don’t pay attention to them, it’s a well-known fact that all song lyrics are full of subliminal messaging. Subliminal messages, messages that are hidden within the text, designed to brainwash you, your family, and everyone you care about. So if I don’t overanalyze the lyrics for the good of mankind, who will?

I decided to investigate further by looking up the lyrics to the popular song.

To help illustrate my findings, I have highlighted all suspicious or subliminal messages in red. What you are about to see may disturb you:

 
Party rock is in the house tonight

Everybody just have a good time

And we gonna make you lose your mind

Everybody just have a good time


Translation: The writers of the song seem to be telling us rather bluntly that their song is indeed evil, and will indeed cause you to “lose your mind.” How did no one spot this before?


Party rock is in the house tonight

Everybody just have a good time

And we gonna make you lose your mind

We just wanna see ya shake that

 

In the club party rock, lookin' for you r girl? She on my jock

Nonstop when we in the spot, booty movin' weight like she on the block

Where the drank? I gots to know, tight jeans, tattoo 'cause I'm rock 'n' roll

Half black, half white, domino, game the money, op-a-doe


Translation: Now things are getting more sinister. After having admitted that this song will most certainly brainwash you beyond comprehension, the song now tells us that they will hunt us down “nonstop” if the brainwashing doesn’t work the first time.

 

Yo, I'm runnin' through these ho's like Drano

I got that devilish flow, rock 'n' roll, no halo

We party rock, yeah, that's the crew that I'm reppin'

On the rise to the top, no lead in our zeppelin, hey


Translation: The “we” often pops up whenever “party rock” is mentioned, leading me to believe this isn’t just one or two evil dudes, but an entire CULT that goes by the unified name of “Party Rock.” Here it is also revealed that the Party Rock cult runs through “devilish flows,” which seems to indicate some form of devil worship is going on here. What concerns me most though, is that the line “on the rise” seems to indicate that the cult has even bigger plans on the horizon. Could we be talking about world domination here?

 
Party rock is in the house tonight

Everybody just have a good time

And we gonna make you lose your mind

Everybody just have a good time

 

Party rock is in the house tonight

Everybody just have a good time

And we gonna make you lose your mind

We just wanna see ya shake that

 

Everyday I'm shufflin'

Shufflin', shufflin'


Translation: This is a rather fitting verb for a cult, actually. With those long robes they always have on, I imagine a person really would be forced to “shuffle” in place of “walking.” This seems to be the Party Rock cult’s signature phrase.


Step up fast and be the first girl to make me throw this cash

We gettin' money, don't be mad now, stop, hatin' is bad


Translation: Now that we’ve changed back to the singular “me” instead of the “we” for this phrase, I believe it’s safe to assume that this is a message sent directly from the cult leader, whose name we will now assume to be “Ferrin Grobble.” The message here seems to indicate that Ferrin strongly dislikes fast moving people. Hmm, I wonder if that has any connection to the “shuffling” aspect?


One more shot for us, another round

Please fill up my cup, don't mess around

We just wanna see you shake it now

Now you wanna be, you're naked now


Translation: Don’t shake huh? Well once again we have a line indicating a hatred for fast or sudden movements. Why such hatred for fast moving things? Perhaps the leader of the Party Rock cult is… a Gopher of some sort?


Get up, get down, put your hands up to the sound

Get up, get down, put your hands up to the sound

Get up, get down, put your hands up to the sound

Put your hands up to the sound, put your hands up to the sound
 
Get up, get up, get up, get up

Get up, get up, get up, get up

Get up, put your hands up to the sound, to the sound

Put your hands up, put your hands up, put your hands up, put your hands up


Translation: Is G. G. G. a possible acronym for Giant Green Gophers? That would relate to my earlier theory after all. Is it possible that this song was written as propaganda for a cult made up of giant green gopher people?


Party rock is in the house tonight

(Put your hands up)

Everybody just have a good time

(Put your hands up)

And we gonna make you lose your mind

(Put your hands up)

Everybody just have a good, good, good time
 
Put your hands up

Put your hands up

Put your hands up

Shake that, everyday I'm shufflin'


It’s abundantly clear to me that this “Party Rock” is most definitely not simply a song about partying and/or rocking. Indeed I believe the “Anthem” part is the most accurate part of the title, considering that the lyrics seem to reveal that this is indeed an “anthem” for the  Devil-Worshipping Underground Cult of Giant Green Gopher people. Go figure.

By Nicholas Lives

Seeing as how today my brain is vacationing somewhere in the bahamas while the rest of my empty shell of a body remains here with the task of providing you lovely people with an article about music and/or movies, I do believe it is time for the brainless article I like to call...

Nick's Factual Fun Facts About Movie Facts!

Yes, that's right. Today you're getting a list of fun facts about movies you most likely didn't know or didn't want to know. This is the kind of knowledge you get from simply reading the credits and paying attention.  Enjoy responsibly.

FACT: Actor George Clooney got one of his first acting roles in the hilariously stupid "Return of the Killer Tomatoes."

FACT: The cute little girl who voices the enthusiastic "Lilo" from "Disney's Lilo and Stitch" also happens to be the creepy little black-haired girl from the horror film, "The Ring."

FACT: Tim Burton did NOT direct the animated creepy kids' film "Coraline," nor did he have any part in the production whatsoever. You can thank overlooked director Henry Selik for that masterpiece.

FACT: Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, and quite a few other famous people got their start starring in Disney's ancient kids' television show: "The Mickey Mouse Club."

FACT: Every film starring Morgan Freeman is awesome.

FACT: Every film starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is cringe-inducing.

FACT: My personal opinion about movies is actually fact.

FACT: "Vampires Suck" was not as funny as you think it was.

FACT: Nick is too tired to think up anymore facts.

AND THEN THE FACTS LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, THE END.

By Nicholas Lives

"Don't Stop Believing" (by Journey) is one of those songs that is largely considered to be a "classic."  After all, it gets replayed and remixed by multiple artists nearly every year. There must be something about it that has caused it to stick in the minds of people everywhere for so many years.

Because of this, I decided to take it upon myself to investigate the lyrics of this so-called classic, and discover for myself what sort of story this song aims to tell its massive audience.

Let us begin the investigation!

Below I have provided the lyrics to the song (black), along with my investigative commentary pertaining to the lyrics' meaning. (red)

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world

And so begins the story. Here we are told that a “small town” girl lives in a “lonely world.” Where exactly that “lonely world” is located remains ambiguous, leading me to believe that this world is most likely some sort of run-down ghost town, because what other “small town” could be more lonely and ambiguous?

She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

I suppose living in a run-down ghost-town just wasn’t working out for Ms. Small-Town, although one can’t help but wonder why she decided to board a train at such a late hour.  Not only that, but “goin’ anywhere” indicates she doesn’t know where the train is going. I suspect evil may be afoot here…

Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit

Now we’re talking about another kid, huh? Considering this is framed in the same way as the first line, one can infer that the writer of the song considers “south Detroit” just as bad as “lonely world.”

He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

What’s with everyone leaving town so late at night? I guess Mr. City-Boy must be pretty desperate to get out of south Detroit, but for what reason? I wonder if this is the same midnight train that Ms. Small-Town boarded…

A singer in a smokey room

A smell of wine and cheap perfume

These two lines seem to indicate we’re in a bar or nightclub of some sort, but since the last line talked about boarding the midnight train, one can only assume that this bar is in fact located INSIDE the midnight train. I think now I can see why everyone was so eager to board it.

For a smile they can share the night

It goes on and on and on and on

“For a smile they can share the night?” Now we’ve established that the midnight club train ALSO functions as a bed-and-breakfast, and that they apparently use smiles for currency. What a train ride! But the next line indicates something far more sinister. What goes on and on  and on? The train? Is the midnight club/bed-and-breakfast train going to keep rolling off into “anywhere” forever?

 (Chorus)

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard

This is where things start getting creepy. Who are these strangers? What are they waiting for?  Why won’t the train stop already? Ms. Small-Town and Mr. City-Boy should never have boarded this midnight train…

Their shadows searching in the night

Now the strangers’ shadows are searching? Searching for what? Souls to devour? Don’t make eye contact with the shadows, Ms. Small-Town and Mr. City-Boy!  It’s a trick!

Streetlights people, living just to find emotion

As the train lurks on down the forever-winding boulevard to anywhere, it would appear that the “Streetlights” are taking on the forms of “people!” These streetlight people apparently only live to find “emotion,” but I suspect the only emotion they are after is FEAR.

Hiding, somewhere in the night.

I’m not sure what’s scarier, knowing that shadow people and streetlight people are slowly pursuing me, or not knowing where they are hiding in the night, or when they might attack again.

Working hard to get my fill,

Everybody wants a thrill

It has become apparent that this so-called “midnight train” is the railroad equivalent to that squid-faced fellow’s ship of lost souls from Pirates of the Caribbean. “Working off to get my fill?”  The only way to get off, it seems, is to pay off your debt to the evil train conductor. Although the second line here seems to indicate that Mr. City-Boy and Ms. Small-Town aren’t the only ones trying to get off this nightmare train…

Payin' anything to roll the dice,

Just one more time

Payin’ anything to roll the dice just one more time? What could this possibly mean? Is Mr. City-Boy gambling for his life now? How desperate are these people to get off this train of doom? I can’t blame them, I suppose. Those streetlight-people and stranger’s shadows are hiding somewhere in the night, after all. It’s only a matter of time before they leap from the darkness to snatch up a wandering soul.

Some will win, some will lose

Some were born to sing the blues

Some will win, some will lose. Judging from the information give on line 2, I guess the losers are forced to “sing the blues” to appease the cackling demons and ghosts that are undoubtedly watching the frightened passengers of the midnight train. Now that’s just sick.

Oh, the movie never ends

It goes on and on and on and on

Not only do the passengers have to worry about the presence of demonic streetlight-people, mysterious ghostly shadows, and a never-ending train, but it appears they also have to endure the premiere of the evil train conductor’s home-made movie! A movie with such badly-written dialog and horrible acting that every second you spend watching it causes your brain to throb in agony. Those monsters! This train truly is the Nightmare Express.

(Chorus)

Don't stop believin'

Hold on to the feelin'

Now is the part where the song gets all inspirational and stuff. I think I finally see why this song is so popular! Even though Mr. City-Boy and Ms. Small-Town are trapped on a nightmarish train of lost souls, they “don’t stop believing” that they may eventually escape one day, and “hold on to the feeling” of sanity that has been steadily dripping away since they boarded the Nightmare Express. It’s bittersweet, really. I kind of have hope for the two poor souls now. Maybe they WILL escape... Maybe someday, if they just keep believing… they will-

Streetlight people

And just like that, all hope is lost. After filling our minds with all that “believing” nonsense, the song seems to tell us the end to this story in a single line. “Streetlight people.” Of course, how could we forget about the streetlight people? We don’t hear anything more about our two heroes after this, indicating that perhaps while they were busy “believing” in themselves and “holding on” the the tiny sliver of sanity left in their minds, the Streetlight-people burst in through the window, and carry them off into the lurking shadows, never to be seen again… This is quite a miserable end to the story of a small-town girl and a city boy from Detroit, who unfortunately decided to board the midnight train going anywhere.

So I guess we know now why this is such a popular song.  After all, who doesn't like a good ghost story?

By Nicholas Lives

Here I am again with another first-impressions track-by-track album review.  Today's special treat is Coldplay's newest album entitled "MyloXyloto," which probably means something cool when translated to English from hipster, I'm sure.  Alright, enough time has been wasted already. Let's do this!

1. Mylo Xyloto: Wow, opening an album with the album title song is a pretty bold move there, Coldplay.  You must be fairly eager to impress me, eh?  Well let’s see just how title-worthy this oddly named song really is, shall we?  So far the tingling bells and electronic zinging are making for an appropriate build up…I like where this is going... Wait, are they saying the words “hurts like heaven?”

2. Hurts Like Heaven: Wait what happened??  We’re already on the second track?  Oh I get it; this must be one of those “musical experience” albums, where every song blends into the next seamlessly.  Hmm, channeling some Pink Floyd here are we, Coldplay? Well here’s a question: Why is the album’s title song getting relegated to a 10 second build up to the next song?  Maybe it’s just me, but I think naming the album after what basically amounts to the sound of electronic jingle bells somewhat underwhelms the listener’s expectations for the rest of the album.  Hold on a minute, is that fading I hear?

3. Paradise: Way to be consistent, Coldplay! The last song faded out completely and this song just started like it was its own independent thing!  So is this a “musical experience” or not, guys?  Oh forget it, let’s just listen.  … From what I gather by the lyrics, this song seems to be about some sort of “paradise,” but the phrase “Para-para-dise” is regularly accompanied by what sounds like a child whining at his mother. “Eeeee-Eeeeeeah-Ooooh!”  Not sure what kind of paradise this is supposed to be; maybe Coldplay just finds the sounds of spoiled infants to be particularly pleasing.

4. Charlie Brown: And there goes the last song fading out again.  Did you guys just start out wanting to make a musical experience but then found that it was a little bit too difficult to integrate all these songs into one another?  I suppose I’ll just drop it for now so we can get on with the listening of this song.  … So far I’ve sat through about a minute of this song, and I still can’t figure out what it has to do with everyone’s favorite manically depressed “Peanuts” child.  Not one mention of Charlie Brown, guys?  I keep hearing the phrase “glowing in the dark,” so if anyone can find a way to connect that to Charlie Brown, feel free to enlighten me.

5. Us Against the World: … Listening to this song, I gather this song is meant to be the political equivalent to “Why Can’t We Be Friends,” but less interesting to listen to.  You guys are up for global peace too?  Well more power to you for making a song about it, but did you have to make the song so - hold on, “It’s us against the world?”  What happened to being united with other countries?  Were you just singing about yourselves this whole time?  Well now I’m just confused.

6. M.M.I.X.:  Is that a “MIX” I see in this song’s mysterious acronym title?  Well I suppose that means we can expect a large variety of sounds and styles here, which is good news for me, because the last few songs were starting to feel a bit on the redundant side… sounds like we’re building up to something big here, I’m already getting pumped up!  And here come the guitars and vocals like a fantastic punch to the face.  Woo! Hmm.. what’s that they keep saying about teardrops and waterfalls?

7. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!  Again?  Coldplay, I thought we were over this!  Are you trying to sneak your way back into being a musical experience?  Coldplay seems to be developing a bad habit of making the mysterious sounding titled songs into pointless 10 second build ups to the next song.  Why didn’t you just incorporate the build up from M.M.I.X. into the beginning of this song?  I mean granted, this song has quite a bit of energy and enthusiasm for teardrops and waterfalls, and to be honest it’s probably the best song I’ve heard on this album thus far, but why waste an entire track on the buildup when you can just put it in the beginning of this song?  It’s either a musical experience or it isn’t Coldplay, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.  Just for that, I’m going to skip two tracks ahead because this album is beginning to test my patience.

     ---SKIP------SKIP----

10. Princess of China: Whoa, is that a woman singer I hear being incorporated into this song?  I didn’t know there was a female member in Coldplay, but her presence here is certainly a breath of fresh air after all those whiny male vocals I’ve been hearing throughout this album.  I’m not sure why, but the zinging tazer sounds in the background fantastically juxtapose the cheesy “once upon a time lyrics” that populate the foreground.  It’s like I’m listening to “Disney’s Cinderella: The Rock Opera.” 

10. Up in Flames: That last song won back my enthusiasm for this album, but this song’s incredibly repetitive lyrics and overly moody tone aren’t quite living up to my new-found expectations.  For one thing, whereas the last song actually had some sort of story to it, this song wanders off in vague and uninteresting territory.  What exactly is “up in flames,” Coldplay?  What’s that?  You don’t know because you presumably wrote the lyrics as an afterthought?

11. A Hopeful Transmission: More like, “A Hopeful Transition.” Come on Coldplay, just make up your mind already!  How many 10 second tracks are there going to be in your album, anyway?  Also, what exactly makes this song "hopeful?"

12. Don’t Let it Break Your Heart: Anyway, I guess we’re moving on to this one now.  So far it sounds like we’re flying on some electric piano carpet.  The lyrics are hard to make out due to the extreme echo applied to the vocals, which doesn’t really make sense if you think about it.  If we’re supposedly flying, why would there be an echo way up in the sky?  What’s the sound bouncing off of?  Clouds?  The last words I can actually hear in this song are something along the lines of “don’t...break your heart,” so at least I know I must have not been missing out on much having not been able to hear them earlier.  A song about hearts being broken?  Way to be original, guys.

13. Up With the Birds: Oh thank goodness we’re on the last track!  Listening to this song, it sounds like Coldplay really, really wants to be Pink Floyd.  The weird inhuman sounds echoing in the background, along with the thundering base clouding up the listener’s judgment all seem to be channeling the musical energy directly from Pink Floyd themselves.  I can’t help wonder if Coldplay is like the vampire of the music industry, sucking the blood and styles from other more popular bands in order to sustain their parasitic existence.  Of course, maybe it’s just me.

FINAL STATEMENTS: Overall, this album was... bearable.  While I didn’t feel like punching myself in the face until all remaining memory of the songs were eliminated from my brain, I have a feeling I won’t have to.  Setting aside for a moment my issue with the album being undecided on what it wants to be, most of the songs (with the exception of Princess of China) were largely unmemorable.  Even as I type this now, having just listened to the album, I’m already forgetting some of the tunes and lyrics.  Good songs can stick with you for an hour or so, but great songs stick with you forever.  Most of these songs did neither.  Better luck next time, Coldplay.

Overall Score:2 rockin'-Cinderellas out of 5.

By Nicholas Lives

Normally this is the time of year where I would write some article or list about the top 3 thanksgiving movies you should see, but seeing as how movies about thanksgiving are a rarity, this week I decided I would write about something a little different.  So without any further ado, I give you:

Nick's Top 3 Movie Stars That Vaguely Resemble Turkeys

1. Christopher Walken

Many know this actor as the"I need more cowbell" guy from the popular Saturday Night Live sketch, but he's also known for doing many action flicks as well.  Of course all that's besides the point, because the only reason he's on this list is due to his baggy-eyed expression and thin-lipped mouth, which vaguely makes him look like your thanksgiving dinner.  Although in all fairness, his gobbler-like voice would have won him a place on this list either way.

2. Clint Eastwood

Next up on our list is the famous westerner himself.  While his eyes more closely resemble those of some sort of bird of prey than a bird of gobbling, that slowly drooping neck of his along with those lovable mouth lines and even thinner-than-Walken-lips is what wins old Eastwood a place on this list. 

3. Daniel Craig
   
I'm not sure what it is about Craig that reminds me of everyone's favorite fat bird.  Perhaps it's that nose of his, which, when profiled, sort of resembles some sort of turkey beak.  Then again, perhaps it's those somewhat baggy eyes of his, which merely emphasize the beak-like nose that completes the look.  Then again, maybe it's because I've always secretly wanted to see a turkey play James Bond.

By Nicholas Lives

Riddle me this: What kind of person can take several rounds of bullets to the chest and still manages to walk it off?  What kind of person jumps out glass windows when there are perfectly good doors available for use?  What kind of person can have the build of a human tank, yet still manage to fit inside air vents?  What kind of person still manages to spout out cheesy one-liners despite being surrounded by armed gunmen?  One acceptable answer would be: “A crazy person.”  Another much more fun answer would be: “The following top 3 action movie heroes.”

3. John McClain (Die Hard)

Why He’s Awesome: You know, nothing really says “Merry Christmas” like rescuing your wife from East German terrorists.  Yes, when it comes to celebrating the holiday season via gunning down an entire organization of terrorists, sabotaging their plans, all the while keeping a smug grin on his face and a western cowboy in his heart, it seems John McClain - Always played by the always-bald-for-some-reason Bruce Willis - can’t be beat. 

2. James Bond (All the James Bond Films)

Why He’s Awesome: Having been played by several actors over the years, it becomes clear that the way James Bond looks has little to do with how awesome he is.  James Bond is not only the greatest spy/secret agent/british guy who ever lived, but the character transcends physical appearance.  As long as the smooth-talking, classy agent personality is there, you could have Jack Black play old James and no one would bat an eye.  Now that’s what I call awesomeness from the heart.

1. Ash Williams (The Evil Dead Trilogy)

Although he may not have as many movies on his belt as James Bond or John McClain, Ash Williams steals the number one spot for four very important reasons:

1: He has a Chainsaw for an arm. 

2:  He coined the phrase “Hail to the King, Baby.”

3: While James and John only have to deal with your everyday human scumbags, Ash faces things like his headless wife chasing him with a chainsaw whilst her head laughs at him mockingly.  Now THAT’S an antagonist.

4:  He has a CHAINSAW for an arm. I mean, come on. That’s just drenched in awesome!

Well there you have it, my top 3 action movie heroes of all time.  If you would like to add to my list of awesome action heroes, feel free to post them in the comments!

DISCLAIMER: Despite claiming how "awesome" the actions of the above action heroes are, the writer of this article would like to state that he does NOT in any way encourage readers to replace their arms with chainsaws, or to hire Jack Black to play James Bond in their next movie.

By Nicholas Lives

Some people think Hollywood might be running out of ideas.  After all, how can the industry still call itself creative after years of releasing remake after remake, and sequel after sequel?  But how far down will Hollywood producers reach for adapting creative properties?  Considering Universal Studio's recent announcement regarding an upcoming feature film adaption of the popular board game, Candy-Land, the answer is: Pretty far.

Yes you read that right, Candy-Land. That cute, yet wildly odd board game where you travel through a mystical land of candy and sugary goods, meeting equally strange characters along the way such as the devilish Lord Licorice and the weird troll-like beast of plumbs, Plumpy. 

So what kind of film might come out of this odd premise you say?  Well, according to the film's writers Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger, the team who also wrote Kung Fu Panda 2, the film may be more akin to Lord of the Rings than your standard family film. 

“We don’t see it as a movie based on a board game, although it has characters from that world and takes the idea of people finding themselves in a world that happens to be made entirely of candy where there are huge battles going on,” Berger says.
“We are going for real comedy, real action, and real emotions at stake.”

The film hasn't found a director yet, but with a premise like that, I doubt they will have much trouble finding one.  With Hollywood's constant stream of generic action films, ideas like this feel like a breath of fresh air.
     Keep your eyes peeled for this one folks, because regardless of how it turns out, you can't deny it's one of the more interesting things Hollywood has on its slate so far.